Isolation as a mamma is so, so real. You are surrounded by tiny humans all day long – but you’ve never felt so alone.
I became a mom at a very young age. I was eighteen but turned nineteen just a few weeks after she was born. It’s interesting to look back at the different phases in my life as a mom. I was a teen mom; I was a working mom; I was a student mom. All of that to say, I dealt with being a mom and the isolation that comes with it differently at different points throughout the last nine years.
At nineteen years old, I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by family. I lived with my parents, so I was never “alone.” I also had a few friends who had kids young, so I think we rallied together. Life was actually very busy between having a kid, finishing college, and working at Dutch Bros. so I wouldn't say I felt lonely - I simply felt different.
Things really shifted when I had my second kid, and we moved further away from family (about a 20 min drive). I used to drive to my parent’s house every day after Beckham was born and just SOB. Those were some dark years. Both Josiah and I would tell you that we don’t look back on our time in Post Falls with fondness. I don’t have much advice that I learned from this season. The newborn stage is rough and I think you just have to grit your teeth and get through it – at least in my experience.
Fast forward, and Josiah was offered a job in Boise. I had never moved (far away) in my life, so I was pretty terrified. But you know what I did as soon as I got there? I’m not kidding, within a few weeks of living there, I put myself on the friend-making app, Bumble. I had joked there should be a friend app like Tinder, and a bunch of people said there was! I met two girls on that app that were amazing. You have to sort through a few weirdos (okay, maybe a lot), but there are gems to be found!
From there, we were blessed with the BEST neighbors. Seriously Luybov, if you read this, you inspired me as a friend. She invited me to her girls’ nights. She invited me to Body Pump classes at the gym. She didn’t have to do that. I feel like if you already have a group of close friends, the last thing you’re thinking about doing is including the new girl. The same thing goes for Rylee’s best friend’s mom: Victoria. I feel like they both went out of their way to include me (and Ry) in things. So a huge thing I learned is to be like these people. I strive to be that person today. If you don’t have those outgoing friends in your life, BE THAT FRIEND! We all need them!
From there, we found an amazing church. Stonehill is a special place and if anyone from there is reading this, you know it’s true! That was the most connected I have ever felt to a church, and it really helped give me purpose. The pastor's wife, Heather, was another great example of someone being an outgoing friend. I didn’t ask to co-lead a Bible study – she told me I was doing it! And you know what? It was so, so good for me. We had a great small group, we met great people, and Boise will always hold a special place in my heart.
What I miss most about living there was having my SIL, BIL, and nephew just fifteen mins away. They followed us and we were so glad they did! They became our very best friends. Between a great church, putting myself on a friend app, and having a little bit of family nearby, that really pulled me through my first big move and the isolation of being a mom.
Okay, moving on to more recent. Oh man, the Denver move was rough. I felt like I had just gotten settled in Boise. I had friends and family and community. And now Josiah wanted me to do it all over again? Was this a joke? On top of having to reestablish myself, I was (and still am) dealing with New Daily Persistent Headache. Basically, a headache showed up on March 12, 2017, and it decided never to leave. I really let my chronic pain control my life for the first six months we lived in Denver. It just felt so overwhelming. I could barely get through the day, take care of my kids, and get my work done – there was no way I could get out there and make new friends.
I’m not sure when something shifted, but it did. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself. I stopped crying (as much). So here is where I really wanted to get to with this article:
First, I joined a small group and started volunteering at church. That got me connected with some amazing people. It also gave me something to look forward to every Friday night and Sunday morning. I knew I could get through anything because I had things on the calendar.
Second, I go to the gym almost every single day. I know that as a mom, it seems tough to go to the gym. You think you can’t work out. Okay first off, you can. Work out at home! I used Tone it Up videos and my elliptical for the first couple years of Beckham’s life. From there, when he got old enough and willing to go to the gym daycare, I made going to the gym a priority. You guys – I love the gym so much. I know that’s weird but I love my barre classes, my cycle classes, all of it! I love that I see the same people there every week. I’ve made some good friends in these classes. So stop making excuses and force your kid to go to the gym daycare. They will stop crying eventually – I promise. And you will feel so much better about yourself for getting out of the house and doing something for yourself.
Okay, lastly I joined a MOPS group. I love these ladies! We get so real with each other and, again, it gives me something to look forward to!
So seriously, stop making excuses. Stop sitting at home and feeling isolated. You choose (to an extent) to be isolated. I know, because I did it for a long time. If someone with chronic headaches can get up and make friends, be active, keep her job, take care of her kids, and be married, so can you!
