Sports Bras and Barre Class

"I should NOT have worn a long-sleeve to class today. Oh my gosh, it's so hot in here. Would it be weird if I took my shirt off and just wore my sports bra? That would be so weird. You can't just take your shirt off in the middle of class. I can't get away with that anyway. I would have to suck in for the rest of class. I mean, I am wearing high waisted pants so not much would be showing, but still."

If you're wondering, I kept the long-sleeve on for the duration of class. But my internal dialogue got me thinking. Thinking about how I've struggled with my "weight" my entire life.

I very clearly remember being in 4th grade, going swimsuit shopping, and telling my mom I was fat. She cried. She probably doesn't even remember this, but I do.

How terrible that I felt that way. What would even make me think that at such a young age? For years after that, I just wanted to be "skinny." I remember seeing girls wearing tight t-shirts in high school and thinking I couldn't do that.

Or, on the flip side, I knew what I could get away with. I knew I had smaller legs so I wore tight pants and looser shirts, thinking that showed where I was small and hid where I wasn't.

Strangely, I got the smallest I've ever been after I had Rylee. A magic pill called Saviina that made you not want to eat. I remember feeling proud that all I'd had to eat that day was a piece of toast and coffee.

Josiah and I were broken up and he thought I was "on drugs" because of how skinny I was. I didn't care, I thought I looked great.

I'm now 28 years old. Does the cycle ever break? Are we ever happy with how we look? It's possible, but it's tough. I've truly had a mindset shift the last several years. I started counting macros on and off (more off than on). It made me much more aware of what I was eating. Do I still eat junk? All the time! Life is too short to say no to the Reeses in your kid's Halloween basket. But I also eat plenty of healthy things.

At this point, all I want is to be STRONG and HEALTHY. Being "skinny" holds zero appeal for me anymore. I don't let my kids see me step on the scale. I take them to the gym with me daily. I make sure they see the importance in moving my body, rather than criticizing it.

It's a journey - that's for sure.

How I’ve Survived 600 Days with a Headache (And Counting)

I am the headache and the headache is me. 

At least that’s how it feels at this point. Have you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome? It’s a theory that states we become attached, even addicted, to our pain. At a certain point, we wouldn’t know how to live without it.

Sometimes, when I feel a little bit of clarity, I feel that way. Like who would I be without attacking this headache 24/7? Without the all-compassing task of defeating this caged monster? It’s all I’ve known for the last year and a half. What would I do if it simply went away? Would I feel happy or would I feel lost – like part of my identity was missing?

I assume, if that day ever comes, that I would be excited but also frustrated because why didn’t I find the “cure” sooner? I would grieve the loss of time. All of the life events that I couldn’t enjoy because all I wanted was to go home to my peppermint essential oil and ice pack.

I was at MOPS last night and, per usual, I got emotional when my headache got brought up. We were talking about having a support team – a “safe” person that you can share the “messy” with. This conversation got me thinking about how I’ve survived, and even sometimes thrived, during the most painful season of my life.

I thought it might be helpful to share some of these points with others. I don’t think these are universal to pain. The thing is, all of us will experience a difficult season in our lives and we have to know how to cope.

On the other hand, I also think it’s therapeutic to write. I felt like I needed to write this for myself. My hope is that some of these points may help someone else and that my experience hasn’t been for nothing.

1.    Find a support system. My headache showed up on March 12, 2017. I categorize my life into two parts: pre-headache and post-headache. I look at memories on Facebook and think, “Oh, two years ago. That’s before I was sick.”

I met my friend AJ on social media in January of 2018. That means I went almost an entire year doing this alone. Sure, I have my family. My husband has always been supportive and, sometimes reluctantly, let me spend whatever I needed to attack this thing. My friends and family have prayed over me relentlessly. They have rebuked this headache. They have commanded it to leave. The headache doesn’t listen. And while a supportive family is important, the number one thing you absolutely need when going through something difficult is someone who is going through the exact same thing.

In January 2018, I posted a question on a migraine support page and AJ messaged me. I should really go back and find our first message, but it was basically along the lines of, “OH MY GOSH, YOUR STORY IS IDENTICAL TO MINE.” Having someone who knows exactly what you’re going through is invaluable. I’ll say it again for the people in the back. If you need ONE THING during a difficult season, it’s someone facing the same storm.

Now, finding that person might be tough and I don’t have a proven way to find a supportive friend. But I do know that social media is an amazing tool. What are you going through? Find a support group. There are so many Facebook groups today. And furthermore, be more transparent about your situation. How can anyone say “me too” if they don’t know your situation?

Now, I’m not saying you should complain day in and day out because that’s a sure-fire way to lose friends. But if you’re struggling, say something! I promise, someone else will say they are struggling too.

I remember when I first got my headache, and it came with crippling anxiety and several panic attacks (those have long since passed, thank goodness). But in talking about how I was struggling with anxiety, I opened the door to SO many people who were struggling with anxiety as well. There is a strange comfort in knowing that someone else is going through the same thing.

So what is my point here? Is it to find a random person on FB and befriend them? That worked in my case, but start with being open and transparent and see who messages you. I promise, someone will.

2.    Find something you can look forward to. When you’re living in survival mode, it can be hard to see past today. I’ve spent a lot of days just trying to make it until bedtime. But one thing I’ve found is that you need something to look forward to.

I had never watched The Bachelorette or The Bachelor until a couple of years ago. I watched Jojo’s season and then took a break. In January, after a couple of friends asked if I was watching, I decided to jump on the bandwagon. Does the show have questionable morals at times? Does my family judge me for watching it? Yes and yes. But did it give me something to look forward to every Monday night? One hundred percent. “Only three more days until the bach is on. I can totally make it.”

Find something that you can look forward to. I would recommend something short-term. A trip in three weeks. A party next weekend. And keep your eye on the prize. You can make it!

3.    Get involved. This point kind of piggybacks on the previous one. Find something you can look forward to but also get involved in something. Distraction has been one of my greatest weapons. It’s when I sit around at home and wallow in my pain that things get dark.

As soon as the headache showed up, I fell at the feet of Jesus. I prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed in my life. And while I’m not on my face every single day, the thorn in my side does keep me focused on Him. It’s a reminder that I need him. That being said, I immediately dove into volunteering at church. I started doing greeting. I co-led a Bible study (even if I had to take a handful of ibuprofen before every session). When we moved to Colorado, I found a church immediately and got plugged in. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to skip a small group session or stay home because of my pain, but I do so much better when I get out there – when I don’t focus on myself and my problems.

4.    Listen to positive messages. You are what you put in – and no, I’m not talking about food here. The content you consume plays a huge role in your mindset. For that reason, I’m pretty selective with what I watch or listen to.

The number one thing (besides a support group) that has got me through the last year and a half has been listening to messages from Steven Furtick of Elevation Church. Literally every Monday, as soon as the message posted around noon, I would listen to it. I’m not as on the dot these days, but I do usually listen to the new message by Wednesday. I am dead serious when I say I want to visit Elevation Church in North Carolina. That is the sole reason I want to go there – for a church service. 

Now, I don’t want to put Steven Furtick on a pedestal. He isn’t what has saved me – it’s God speaking through him that has given me the hope and encouragement to push through. Not a church person? Listen to a few of his messages anyway and their worship albums while you’re at it. Wow, talk about music that has gotten me through some serious, on the closet floor panic attacks.

5.    Do what's necessary to get by. While I permanently have a headache from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep, the level of severity fluctuates. I can do a one just fine every day. It’s when it gets up to a 3-5 with nausea that I can’t hang. I’ve learned that there are days when you just need to do what’s necessary to get by. If I wake up and have a raging migraine at 9 am, there’s no point in trying to push through. Just take the ibuprofen, knock the pain back to a one, and move on with your day. Don’t try to be a hero and don’t feel bad about it.

6.    Take care of yourself. Okay, I take it back. You are what you eat. Take a look at your diet. Do I eat perfectly? Do I think diet is the answer to everything? Definitely not, but I think it plays a huge role. Get more protein, drink more water, and move your body. Personally, I do not drink alcohol. Like ever. I don’t enjoy it, and it’s not worth it to me. I cut my caffeine and only drink water (for the most part). More than that, I move my body every day. I can’t tell you how many headaches I’ve kicked down in severity by heading to the gym. Something about getting your blood moving really helps with pain – just trust me.

Onto day 601.

"The Pushy Friend"

I felt emotional today and I didn’t know what to do, so I decided to write it here. At church, the speaker talked about a few parables, one of which was the “pushy friend.” It’s a story from Luke about someone who knocks on their neighbor’s door and asks for some bread. The neighbor doesn’t answer the door but Jesus says to keep knocking. If you keep knocking, the neighbor will eventually answer and you’ll get what you came for.

I feel like I have been knocking for 15 months. I have prayed daily that God would take this from me. That I would wake up one day and this headache would be gone and it would soon be nothing but a memory. But every day I wake up and it’s still there. Maybe not as bad as it was yesterday, but also maybe worse than it was yesterday. Even if it does lift, I never feel normal. I can feel it in there, in its cage, angry that it’s locked up for now.

I don’t understand why God would leave someone by the pool for 40 years, begging to be healed. It seems like a waste of a life to me. I feel like the last year and a half of my life has been wasted. What’s the point? What is the point of being alive if you don’t feel well enough to enjoy it? Being sick is lonely. It’s so lonely. You don’t have the energy to go out and be social but you’re depressed because you’re not being social. What came first? The chicken or the egg? The depression from being sick or the sickness coming from depression?

Don’t get me wrong. There are good days. There have been plenty of good days. But my “good days” are a lot different than what I would have considered a good day a few years ago. I felt emotional thinking about these things during church. But I felt encouraged to keep knocking. To keep asking God to heal me, even if I don’t understand why he hasn’t already.

The pastor also had us do a little exercise. We had to think of a “3 a.m. friend” that we would call if something happened and we needed help - not a family member. I couldn’t really think of anyone, at least not in Colorado. We had to tell the person sitting next to us who we would choose and why. The lady next to me was so sweet and after the service, she gave me her number and told me she would be my 3 a.m. person. To call her if I needed anything. I could barely hold back my tears. I don't know that I'll ever call that lady, but I really appreciated it.