Sports Bras and Barre Class

"I should NOT have worn a long-sleeve to class today. Oh my gosh, it's so hot in here. Would it be weird if I took my shirt off and just wore my sports bra? That would be so weird. You can't just take your shirt off in the middle of class. I can't get away with that anyway. I would have to suck in for the rest of class. I mean, I am wearing high waisted pants so not much would be showing, but still."

If you're wondering, I kept the long-sleeve on for the duration of class. But my internal dialogue got me thinking. Thinking about how I've struggled with my "weight" my entire life.

I very clearly remember being in 4th grade, going swimsuit shopping, and telling my mom I was fat. She cried. She probably doesn't even remember this, but I do.

How terrible that I felt that way. What would even make me think that at such a young age? For years after that, I just wanted to be "skinny." I remember seeing girls wearing tight t-shirts in high school and thinking I couldn't do that.

Or, on the flip side, I knew what I could get away with. I knew I had smaller legs so I wore tight pants and looser shirts, thinking that showed where I was small and hid where I wasn't.

Strangely, I got the smallest I've ever been after I had Rylee. A magic pill called Saviina that made you not want to eat. I remember feeling proud that all I'd had to eat that day was a piece of toast and coffee.

Josiah and I were broken up and he thought I was "on drugs" because of how skinny I was. I didn't care, I thought I looked great.

I'm now 28 years old. Does the cycle ever break? Are we ever happy with how we look? It's possible, but it's tough. I've truly had a mindset shift the last several years. I started counting macros on and off (more off than on). It made me much more aware of what I was eating. Do I still eat junk? All the time! Life is too short to say no to the Reeses in your kid's Halloween basket. But I also eat plenty of healthy things.

At this point, all I want is to be STRONG and HEALTHY. Being "skinny" holds zero appeal for me anymore. I don't let my kids see me step on the scale. I take them to the gym with me daily. I make sure they see the importance in moving my body, rather than criticizing it.

It's a journey - that's for sure.